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Photography Business A to Z

Photography Business A to Z

Written 7 years ago by Ruby Divine

This is a guest post written by Ruby Divine from UrbanKittys.com offering a differing but humorous perspective towards her parents’ international photography business.

The first thing that you should know is that life is a bitch. I don’t mean in a theoretical way… it just is, or at least, that’s what I’ve been brought up to believe. My father would tell you that photography is a window of opportunity. I say it’s a broken window on a high flying plane… sucks everything dry and leaves you feeling battered and more than a little disconcerted.

The second thing you should know is that Photography is a fickle business and, regardless of whether a bride has a grand total of three teeth and a glass eye you are expected to make her look like a fable princess… hardly an easy task it must be said.

A
Aneurysms

A common medical condition you can expect to endure just before you turn up to photograph your first wedding of the year after that festive season hush. A is also for Anxiety Attack.

B
Brainwashed

This is what my mother and father must be to put themselves through this unstable profession.

C
Cameras

Well… quite self explanatory really… this is one of the most important pieces of the jigsaw.

D
Disaster

For me, there is no better entertainment than hearing my family’s friends speaking of which great ‘whopper’ has been to see them today. This is not a disaster I hear you say…. but oh yes; it will be if she books! This reminds me of the beauty of the wide angle lens… we will discuss this further later.

After enduring a painful childhood of listening to Enya and The Lighthouse Family back to back during prolonged viewings, I started to gain a natural hatred for anything related to the photography business. Whilst my friends linked it to glamorous photo shoots, makeovers and flashing lights, I linked it to arguments, illness and lack of dollar.

E
Exercise

Forget the gym membership, being a photographer is one of the most energetic jobs going. Don’t believe me? Just ask my mother, she just loves bouncing off of the beds in the bridal room in the mornings.

F
F that!

A common phrase that pops into ones head whilst thinking of the menial task of sorting out the images the day after a big shoot.

G
Grannies

Grannies seem to be the hardest people to please in the photography business. They may look fragile and sweet but beware. Approach with caution. Especially if you’re photographing the grandkids… God forbid if you don’t have your police check handy.

H
HOW MUCH?!!

A common phrase from the over privileged clientele… touché.

I remember waking one morning to hearing my father running around the house like a blue arsed fly on heat and my mother shrieking ‘WHERES THE SPECIAL REQUESTS PAPER!? WHATS THE GROOMS NAME AGAIN?!’ This seemed to happen more often than not on a Saturday morning just before a big wedding. I would pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep knowing it was going to be a rough evening…

…Sure enough, in they would both tumble early hours the next morning, huffing and puffing more than a steam train on its last coals. ‘Ooh it’s been a rough day…’ my mother would say, ‘can’t believe those bloody church wardens!’ Quick as a flash, my father would be running around, chilled diet coke in one hand, TV remote in the other… ’Glad to be home… another day another dollar!’ Always was the diplomatic type, my dad.

I
Immaterial

This is what everything else seems to become once you decide to take on photography. Food, sleep, social life, fun… forget it. Not important.

J
John

My beloved Father… the glutton for punishment and the main inspiration behind this exciting account.

K
Kindness

This is a favoured phrase of my mothers when it comes to the most hardened of clients.

L
Lovegrove

Look at this word, say it out loud, familiarise yourself with it, repeat it in your head and learn to honour and stalk the Lovegrove for ever and always. I.D.S.T.

I awoke one morning to a loud bang on the conservatory roof; my room seemed to be bathed in a darkness that should not be associated with 10am on a summer’s morning. On investigation, my mother and father stood in the garden admiring the ugly blue plastic and bamboo cover they had fixed over the roof. ‘What’s that for?’ I enquired. ‘The conservatory gets too hot in the day time so we need to cover the roof and keep it cool for the clients’ my mother replied. Bloody great, I thought… a life in darkness! So on it went… the clients would turn up, I would hide away in my room with the curtains drawn so they couldn’t see me through my window. The best part was raiding the tea tray once they had left…

M
Models

Why is it that none of the pretty, striking girls want to model for you? Instead you get the one with a body to be desired and a face like a bag of spanners. Note to potentials: DO NOT APPLY WITHIN.

N
NO!!!

Common word screamed by my father when the computer once again decides to malfunction.

O
Oops!

Something my mother must have thought just after she innocently tried to organise a shot on the gardens at a wedding by shouting ‘Can I have all the men on the lawn!!!’

P
Plastic

You want the goods so pay the price. No bartering, this is not the Barnsley market… cocker spadge!

Poses

My father does a great female attitude pose followed by a diva-esque runway swagger. You know there’s something amiss when your father can shake his hips better than Shakira.

On more than one occasion we would all sit down to a family dinner or to watch TV to notice a car pull up outside… my Father would have a nosey and give out daggers to my Mother as she rushed off, looking worried, to check her diary and make sure she didn’t have anybody pencilled in. ‘Oh God John, I’ve made a mistake! She would shriek: ‘Andy and Karen are booked in for a pre-wedding chat now!’ Oh how we laughed… not!

Q
Quick get that shot!

A common thought to enter ones head at particularly exciting moments. E.g. My mother falling over in front of the top table during the speeches.

R
Reflector

The bane of my existence as an 8 year old. One would never have thought that a small shiny disc would be so hard to fold…

S
Shoot

What you feel like doing to particularly awkward, indecisive clients… and I don’t mean with the camera.

T
Tranny

Not the type you see in Funny Gals on a normal Saturday night out… unfortunately. This is just the shortened version of the word Transparency.

It later became more than apparent that the business had outgrown our little bungalow in Barnsley and my mother and father needed another place to hold the fort. It was music to my ears to discover that they had taken up the offer of an office in our home town. What heaven it would be to not have the business cluttering up our family home. No more clients using the bathroom preventing me from taking a bath in my own home at my own free will!

U
USB

Something my Father seems unable to keep track of lately.

V
Viewings

Often long, boring and painful.

W
Why oh why?

Another common phrase that comes to mind when I think of my parents chosen pathway.

Wide angled lens

You may need this if you come across a truly whopping ‘whopper’.

So, back to the new office. It would be alright if people didn’t constantly compare it to hospitals and prisons. It’s 11am in the morning and already my mother and father are bickering away. Loxley this… Graphi that, you said this, he said that… blah blah blah. Get. A. Life.

X
X-Sync

No, I don’t mean the model getting her digits out in time to the flash, but in fact ‘flash synchronization with electronic flash’.

Y
Youth

Something that seems to be taking over the photography business of late. If you’re young and gay, you’re most definitely in!

Z
Zzzzz

Face it, if you want to be a professional photographer you can kiss goodbye to sleep. This industry waits for no one.

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Comments
Montezoraida  7 years ago

Very enjoyable reading. You sound like a fun person, Ruby. And I agree that life can be a bitch…sometimes.

Connar O'Keeffe  7 years ago

This is the best one

R
Reflector

The bane of my existence as an 8 year old. One would never have thought that a small shiny disc would be so hard to fold…

It’s so true, sometimes the clients offer to help fold it up thinking its easy :oP

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Smile for the camera!
Things you shouldn't say to your clients: "First I'll shoot you, then I'll blow you up, then you can go home and hang yourself."