Photography Business A to Z
Written 7 years ago by Ruby Divine
This is a guest post written by Ruby Divine from UrbanKittys.com offering a differing but humorous perspective towards her parents’ international photography business.
The first thing that you should know is that life is a bitch. I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t mean in a theoretical wayÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ it just is, or at least, thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s what IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve been brought up to believe. My father would tell you that photography is a window of opportunity. I say itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s a broken window on a high flying planeÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ sucks everything dry and leaves you feeling battered and more than a little disconcerted.
The second thing you should know is that Photography is a fickle business and, regardless of whether a bride has a grand total of three teeth and a glass eye you are expected to make her look like a fable princessÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ hardly an easy task it must be said.
A common medical condition you can expect to endure just before you turn up to photograph your first wedding of the year after that festive season hush. A is also for Anxiety Attack.
This is what my mother and father must be to put themselves through this unstable profession.
WellÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ quite self explanatory reallyÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ this is one of the most important pieces of the jigsaw.
For me, there is no better entertainment than hearing my familyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s friends speaking of which great Ã¢â‚¬ËœwhopperÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ has been to see them today. This is not a disaster I hear you sayÃ¢â‚¬Â¦. but oh yes; it will be if she books! This reminds me of the beauty of the wide angle lensÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ we will discuss this further later.
After enduring a painful childhood of listening to Enya and The Lighthouse Family back to back during prolonged viewings, I started to gain a natural hatred for anything related to the photography business. Whilst my friends linked it to glamorous photo shoots, makeovers and flashing lights, I linked it to arguments, illness and lack of dollar.
Forget the gym membership, being a photographer is one of the most energetic jobs going. DonÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t believe me? Just ask my mother, she just loves bouncing off of the beds in the bridal room in the mornings.
A common phrase that pops into ones head whilst thinking of the menial task of sorting out the images the day after a big shoot.
Grannies seem to be the hardest people to please in the photography business. They may look fragile and sweet but beware. Approach with caution. Especially if youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re photographing the grandkidsÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ God forbid if you donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t have your police check handy.
A common phrase from the over privileged clienteleÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ touchÃƒÂ©.
I remember waking one morning to hearing my father running around the house like a blue arsed fly on heat and my mother shrieking Ã¢â‚¬ËœWHERES THE SPECIAL REQUESTS PAPER!? WHATS THE GROOMS NAME AGAIN?!Ã¢â‚¬â„¢ This seemed to happen more often than not on a Saturday morning just before a big wedding. I would pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep knowing it was going to be a rough evening…
Ã¢â‚¬Â¦Sure enough, in they would both tumble early hours the next morning, huffing and puffing more than a steam train on its last coals. Ã¢â‚¬ËœOoh itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s been a rough dayÃ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬â„¢ my mother would say, Ã¢â‚¬ËœcanÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t believe those bloody church wardens!Ã¢â‚¬â„¢ Quick as a flash, my father would be running around, chilled diet coke in one hand, TV remote in the otherÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ Ã¢â‚¬â„¢Glad to be homeÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ another day another dollar!Ã¢â‚¬â„¢ Always was the diplomatic type, my dad.
This is what everything else seems to become once you decide to take on photography. Food, sleep, social life, funÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ forget it. Not important.
My beloved FatherÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ the glutton for punishment and the main inspiration behind this exciting account.
This is a favoured phrase of my mothers when it comes to the most hardened of clients.
Look at this word, say it out loud, familiarise yourself with it, repeat it in your head and learn to honour and stalk the Lovegrove for ever and always. I.D.S.T.
I awoke one morning to a loud bang on the conservatory roof; my room seemed to be bathed in a darkness that should not be associated with 10am on a summerÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s morning. On investigation, my mother and father stood in the garden admiring the ugly blue plastic and bamboo cover they had fixed over the roof. Ã¢â‚¬ËœWhatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s that for?Ã¢â‚¬â„¢ I enquired. Ã¢â‚¬ËœThe conservatory gets too hot in the day time so we need to cover the roof and keep it cool for the clientsÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ my mother replied. Bloody great, I thoughtÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ a life in darkness! So on it wentÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ the clients would turn up, I would hide away in my room with the curtains drawn so they couldnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t see me through my window. The best part was raiding the tea tray once they had leftÃ¢â‚¬Â¦
Why is it that none of the pretty, striking girls want to model for you? Instead you get the one with a body to be desired and a face like a bag of spanners. Note to potentials: DO NOT APPLY WITHIN.
Common word screamed by my father when the computer once again decides to malfunction.
Something my mother must have thought just after she innocently tried to organise a shot on the gardens at a wedding by shouting Ã¢â‚¬ËœCan I have all the men on the lawn!!!Ã¢â‚¬â„¢
You want the goods so pay the price. No bartering, this is not the Barnsley marketÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ cocker spadge!
My father does a great female attitude pose followed by a diva-esque runway swagger. You know thereÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s something amiss when your father can shake his hips better than Shakira.
On more than one occasion we would all sit down to a family dinner or to watch TV to notice a car pull up outsideÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ my Father would have a nosey and give out daggers to my Mother as she rushed off, looking worried, to check her diary and make sure she didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t have anybody pencilled in. Ã¢â‚¬ËœOh God John, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve made a mistake! She would shriek: Ã¢â‚¬ËœAndy and Karen are booked in for a pre-wedding chat now!Ã¢â‚¬â„¢ Oh how we laughedÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ not!
Quick get that shot!
A common thought to enter ones head at particularly exciting moments. E.g. My mother falling over in front of the top table during the speeches.
The bane of my existence as an 8 year old. One would never have thought that a small shiny disc would be so hard to foldÃ¢â‚¬Â¦
What you feel like doing to particularly awkward, indecisive clientsÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ and I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t mean with the camera.
Not the type you see in Funny Gals on a normal Saturday night outÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ unfortunately. This is just the shortened version of the word Transparency.
It later became more than apparent that the business had outgrown our little bungalow in Barnsley and my mother and father needed another place to hold the fort. It was music to my ears to discover that they had taken up the offer of an office in our home town. What heaven it would be to not have the business cluttering up our family home. No more clients using the bathroom preventing me from taking a bath in my own home at my own free will!
Something my Father seems unable to keep track of lately.
Often long, boring and painful.
Why oh why?
Another common phrase that comes to mind when I think of my parents chosen pathway.
Wide angled lens
You may need this if you come across a truly whopping Ã¢â‚¬ËœwhopperÃ¢â‚¬â„¢.
So, back to the new office. It would be alright if people didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t constantly compare it to hospitals and prisons. It’s 11am in the morning and already my mother and father are bickering away. Loxley thisÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ Graphi that, you said this, he said thatÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ blah blah blah. Get. A. Life.
No, I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t mean the model getting her digits out in time to the flash, but in fact Ã¢â‚¬Ëœflash synchronization with electronic flashÃ¢â‚¬â„¢.
Something that seems to be taking over the photography business of late. If youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re young and gay, youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re most definitely in!
Face it, if you want to be a professional photographer you can kiss goodbye to sleep. This industry waits for no one.
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